No More MeBy: Wynona Ward
sit on my knees on Grammy’s couch and peer out as I watch the rain drops gather and run down the glass. Outside it’s a warm rainy night, but inside it feels cold and lonely. I haven’t seen my mommy for many days. I miss her a lot. She’s gone to the hospital to get me a baby sister.
Then I see a car coming up the drive and my daddy gets out. I excitedly shout to my older sister and brother, “Daddy’s here, daddy’s here.” They don’t care, they aren’t happy to see daddy, but I am really happy.
“Daddy, Daddy,” I cry as he comes in the door, and I run to him. He lifts me up and holds me in his strong arms, and I feel so snug and cozy. I don’t feel lonely anymore. I plead, “Take me home with you, daddy, please, please. I don’t want to stay at Grammy’s tonight. I want to go home with my daddy,” I say in a baby voice as I wrap my arms around his neck.
I squeal with delight when he says yes, I can go home with him; he will drop me off at Grammy’s on his way to work the next morning.
By the time we arrive home, it’s time for bed. “I’m a big girl,” I say to my daddy. To myself I think, “I’m almost three years-old. I can get myself ready for bed.” I run up the stairs to daddy and mommy’s bedroom where I have slept with my mommy ever since I can remember. I quickly put on my nightgown as mommy has taught me, and by the time daddy comes into the room I am prancing around on his bed holding my nightgown out like a dancer.
I twirl ‘round and ‘round on the bed, pretending I am Cinderella at the ball. Humming to myself, I look longingly over to mommy’s bed, and I ask, “When will mommy be home?”
Daddy replies, “In a few days she will come home with a baby whose name is Gloria.” He goes on to say, “Since there’s going to be a new baby girl, it’s now time for you to be daddy’s big girl.”
I sit at the bottom of the bed watching him get undressed. I think how big my daddy looks, even without clothes. I notice that he still has that funny dangling thing at the bottom of his tummy. My big brother, Richie, has that too. Mommy says all boys do, but girls don’t, and I shouldn’t talk about it.
I think how wonderful it is that my daddy loves me so much. I smile and say to him, “I’m so happy I could come home with you daddy, and I’m so glad that I can be your big girl now.”
He laughs and reaches down with his huge hands, grasps me easily around the waist, and swings me up and under the blankets with him. I cuddle down next to him, like I always do, feeling safe and loved, and he begins to tell me nighttime stories. He starts with one of my favorite poems:
Come little leaves said the wind one day,
come with me over the fields to play.
Come dressed in your jackets of red and gold,
come with me before the snow blows cold...
My eyes begin to close, I’m really tired, but then I wonder why he is pushing my nightgown up around my neck and pulling my panties off. I see them pass through the glow of the night-light as he tosses them to the floor. It is like watching a baby bird drop out of her nest, when the mommy bird is gone.
Daddy pulls the covers off me and props himself up on one elbow as he stares down at my naked body with a funny look in his eye. It’s a look I have never seen before. It makes me feel bad and stupid, like when all the people stared at me in Sunday school last Christmas when I forgot some of the words I was supposed to say.
Then daddy begins to touch me everywhere and it seems to me that his hands are not so nice anymore, that they are big and rough, especially when he spreads my legs with them and puts them there. I begin to squirm and try to turn on my side, but daddy turns me back over and says, “Lay still and be daddy’s big girl.”
“I don’t like this, I don’t like this part of being daddy’s big girl, I wish mommy was here,” I say to myself.
Then I start getting scared; daddy has never acted like this before. My body stiffens as he grabs me and shoves me to the top of the bed, way up by the pillows. Then he gets on his hands and knees above me. He opens my legs wide and puts his head between them. He puts his mouth on my pee pee and he sucks and licks hard, and it seems like he is going to eat me up alive.
I cry out to him, “Daddy, it hurts, it hurts, stop, daddy, stop.” But it’s like he doesn’t hear me. I’m so scared, tears begin to fall and I wonder, “Will he eat all of me, will there be any of me left?”
I cry out again through tears, “Daddy, hurts, whiskers hurt daddy.” My legs sharply sting as his unshaven face rubs on the insides. “I hate whiskers, I hate whiskers,” I sob to myself.
It feels like my legs are being torn from my body, they are spread so far apart so his head can fit there. Then as suddenly as he began, he stops, he picks his head up and looks at me, but at the same time it’s like he’s not looking at me. It’s like when his eyes are looking out across the field in back of our house.
I feel glad he has stopped, but then terror strikes again as he grasps me by my ankles and pulls me down in the bed and his massive body towers over me.
I’m not sure why, but suddenly I am more frightened than I have ever been in my whole life. I beg him, “Please, daddy, please, I don’t want to be a big girl anymore.” Even though I cry out in my loudest voice, “Please, please no,” he doesn’t hear.
I forget the stinging of my legs as he lowers his whole body on top of mine. His big belly with all the hair on it covers my face, I turn my head to the side, but it’s still hard to get air. I gasp as I say to him, “Can’t breathe, daddy, can’t breathe.” Then I feel pain like I have never felt before. It’s a sharp pain by my tummy, it hurts more than when I fell off the porch right flat onto my belly. It’s like that, but it’s much worse, it’s like the pain is everywhere in my body. I feel it everywhere. It won’t go away.
“Oh, mommy, mommy, help me mommy, please mommy help me,” I cry out. But mommy is not there, she is gone, she is far away.
As his body presses down on mine, I am getting more and more squashed, squashed into the bed. I think that soon there will be no me; soon I will just be part of the bed. Or maybe I will become part of my daddy. There will be no more me, no more me.
I don’t understand why he is doing these things to me, this daddy I love. “It hurts too much, it hurts too much,” I think. “No more me, no more me,” I say again. “I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe,” I whisper. Then, it comes true, everything goes black, all the pain goes away, there is No More Me.